I was there, but I wasn’t “there”

Remember that concert you went to? The music was perfect, your band opened with your favorite song and closed the concert with your second favorite song? Remember, you made eye contact with the lead singer?
No? You don’t remember?
You don’t remember because ocd had you so focused on the possibility that at some point during this long anticipated concert you would have to use a porta potty. You were so focused on this fear that you completely missed these great moments. You were there, but you weren’t “there”.
I’ve noticed looking back in my life that I have wasted or lost so much time due to my OCD.

There are so many instances in my life that I have no recollection of because instead of being present in the moment, I was lost in OCD world. My sister will talk to me and say things like,
“Hey, Mary. Do you remember when you were five and you did such-and-such? Remember we used to play this game? Remember?”
I sit there blank,
“No. No I don’t remember.”

I heard a song the other day that reminded me of a time when I was 19. My brother went to a camp for baseball and when he was gone, I bought him this bike that he had really wanted. It would be a nice surprise for him upon returning home.
When I gave him the bike, I had a picture taken of me standing with him with his new bike.
Looking at the picture, I’m smiling and looking completely happy. No one would have ever guessed what was actually going through my mind.
I look at this picture and barely remember any enjoyment. Instead, this picture is tainted and reminds me of what OCD was telling me at the time, that I must have HIV from this “exposure” at my job. It wasn’t even an exposure but in my mind, ocd said it was. I didn’t enjoy the reality of the situation or his excitement because I was so consumed with these thoughts.

This quality time I could be having with my family or my loved ones becomes broken. I am not there, I am with my ocd.

We are being robbed of these experiences because these experiences that are supposed to be good are damaged by the ocd world.
This time is being spent on fear of something that’s most likely not going to happen, most of the things we worry about in life never become a reality. OCD just wants you to believe that.

For more extensive explanation refer to the following video: https://youtu.be/5q_XNKPcsKU

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